Progress Instead of Perfection
“I’ve learned not to make life a checklist. That doesn’t mean that I’m lazy. It’s all right to go with the flow sometimes. And not make myself so crazy.
I’ve decided that from now on I won’t be in such a big hurry. I’ll still try my best in all I do. But I’ll try not to constantly worry.”
Quote from Penelope Perfect (a book my 5 year old and I just read)
Do you feel like you may be a perfectionist? If so, adopting Penelope Perfect’s words for your own self-talk could be really beneficial to you, but perhaps not quite so simple.
Perfectionism is a trait that is highly valued in our society, often associated with success, achievement, and excellence. While striving for excellence can be admirable, the unrealistic expectation of perfection can have rather negative outcomes.
Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be or do your best.
It also isn’t simply about trying to be perfect. Perfectionism is often a symptom of low self-worth. It can reflect an internal belief that you’re not good enough… not as smart, funny, talented, successful, attractive, etc. as others. Perfectionism may push some people to highly achieve; it causes others to have difficulty making decisions and struggle to complete tasks on time, or at all.
As a complex personality trait, perfectionism has been studied extensively in the field of psychology. According to Dudău (2014), perfectionism can be defined as "the pursuit of exceedingly high standards in one's own performance, accompanied by a tendency to be overly self-critical and a fear of failure."
By understanding the nature of perfectionism and its impact, we can begin to develop healthier approaches to achieving our goals and living a more fulfilling life.
There are strategies to help reduce perfectionism.
Start by identifying your perfectionism, paying closer attention to the things you do. Look at them with a closer eye to see if you’re doing something, or not doing something, with perfectionism at its core.
As a perfectionist, you may
be driven by an intense desire to be flawless in most or all things you do
tend have a rigid and inflexible mindset
be more inclined to focus on the negative aspects of your performance rather than the positive
be highly critical of yourself and others
have a strong need for control and order in your life
tend to set unrealistic goals and standards for yourself, leading to feelings of disappointment and frustration when you’re unable to meet those expectations
procrastinate
The characteristics of perfectionism are complex and can have a significant impact on various areas of your life and overall well-being.
“In my blinding drive to excel, in my need to do things perfectly, I’d missed the signs and taken the wrong road.”
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we are more likely to experience negative emotions when we fail to meet those standards. These negative emotions can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in anxiety and depression.
Perfectionism can negatively impact interpersonal relationships as well. You may notice you have higher standards for your partner, family, coworkers, or friends.
One strategy for overcoming perfectionism is to set realistic goals. Perfectionists often set high, unattainable standards for themselves, leading to a constant sense of failure. By setting realistic goals, you can achieve a sense of accomplishment and progress, which can help break the cycle of perfectionism.
Another strategy is to practice self-compassion. For my current clients reading this, you know I often talk to you about being kind to yourself and practicing positive self-talk. Perfectionists often have a harsh inner critic, which can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. By practicing self-compassion, you can learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, ultimately leading to a more positive self-image.
It’s important to recognize the difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Perfectionists often confuse the two and believe that anything less than perfect is a failure. By recognizing that excellence is attainable, but perfection is not, you can learn to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace a healthier mindset. By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can overcome perfectionism and lead a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination and avoidance behaviors. Individuals who are perfectionists may delay starting a task because they fear they will not be able to complete it perfectly, which can lead to increased stress and anxiety.
If you find that you procrastinate, take a closer look at why that is. It may not be in every instance, but there are probably times that the task that you have been putting off isn’t getting done because it feels like a more daunting task than it may actually need to be, due to your level of attention to detail or feeling like it needs to be “perfect.” Ask yourself, “Do I need to go to the lengths I’m picturing in my mind?” Maybe it would actually be okay to put in less effort…
Do you feel like you need to be the one to do all the things? That if you aren’t the one to do them, they won’t get done right? When you’re unable to delegate or lean on others for help, you put unnecessary, additional stress on yourself. You may also be preventing others from the opportunity to learn and grow.
If your perfectionist tendencies feel driven by what other people think, keep in mind:
Other People’s Opinions of Us are Not about Us.
Perfectionism can be a sign that we care too much about what others think of us and our actions. But other people’s opinions are not about us. Their opinions are about them - their past, their judgments, expectations, likes, dislikes, etc. In a room of various people, there will be some who like things about us. Others will dislike exactly the same things. We will remind some people of a negative experience in their life and we will remind others of positive things. Some will completely understand and relate to what we have to say, and others will misinterpret our words.
No matter what we do, some people will never like us. No matter what we do, some people will always like us. Either way, it has nothing to do with you or me.
Similarly, if there’s something that bothers you about another person, that is your business; that is about you. If you’re worried about what someone else thinks of you, that is your business. What they think is their business. We don’t get to control what others think of us, but we do get to control how we feel about others’ opinions of us.
Not All Perfectionists Look the Same
According to Psychotherapist, Katherine Morgan Schafler, in her book The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, there are five different types of perfectionists:
A) Intense perfectionists – are effortlessly direct and maintain razor-sharp focus on achieving their goal. Left unchecked, their standards can go from high to impossible, and they can be punitive with others and themselves for not achieving impossible standards.
B) Classic perfectionists – are highly reliable, consistent and detail-oriented, and they add stability to their environment. Left unchecked, they struggle to adapt to spontaneity or a change in routine, and they can experience difficulty connecting meaningfully with others.
C) Parisian perfectionists – possess a live-wire understanding of the power of interpersonal connection and hold a strong capacity for empathy. Left unchecked, their desire to connect to others can metastasize into toxic people-pleasing.
D) Procrastinator perfectionists – excel at preparing, can see opportunities from a 360-degree perspective, and have good impulse control. Left unchecked, their preparative measures hit a point of diminishing returns, resulting in indecisiveness and inaction.
E) Messy perfectionists – effortlessly push through the anxiety of new beginnings, are superstar idea generators, adapt to spontaneity well, and are naturally enthusiastic. Left unchecked, they struggle to stay focused on their goals, ultimately spreading their energy too thin to follow through on their commitments.
Oftentimes, perfectionists may not recognize their perfectionism because they feel so imperfect.
Some symptoms of perfectionism are:
multi-tasking - staying busy while “relaxing”
competitive in recreational activities
driven by fear
procrastination
hard on self
missed opportunities
trouble making decisions
anxiety
people-pleasing
fear of conflict
“When we relate to ourselves with loving kindness, perfectionism naturally drops away.”
If you feel like perfectionism may be negatively affecting your life, therapy with us can help. In therapy, we can help you work toward some of the following:
Reflecting instead of ruminating
Focusing on the present instead of what has happened in the past (and support you as you work through past situations that may be lingering)
Looking at facts instead of filling in uncertainties with “stories”
Practicing self-compassion instead of self-judgment
Viewing challenges as opportunities instead of threats
Taking action toward a solution instead of fixating on the problem
While perfectionism may seem desirable, it can have negative consequences on individuals' mental health and relationships. It is important for individuals to recognize when their perfectionism is becoming harmful and to seek help if necessary.
By understanding and accepting that perfection is impossible, you can learn to appreciate your efforts and achievements, even if they fall short of your expectations. Ultimately, embracing imperfection and focusing on progress rather than perfection can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness in life.
We offer a free 15-minute consultation.
See more information about Birches Counseling in the link below.
